Σάββατο, 16 Νοεμβρίου 2013

"Hey you..."

"When you read this I don't know
 what your life will be
 will you hate or will you love
 or just remember me" 

                             



I scribbled these lines on a piece of paper ten years ago, almost to the day. It was meant to be a letter to my older self. That is, myself today - and tomorrow. It was a hard time for me. My sister had a serious accident, 4 days in ER, 6 more in the hospital, out of my hometown, sleeping on floors and chairs with all the horror and agony you can imagine. I had an urge to peer into the future. Basically, I needed a reassurance that everything would be ok. So, I wondered how my older self would look upon the events of the time. Sadness? Grief? Relief? But since it was a time of further unrest and big changes were ahead, I wondered what I would think of my younger self in general.
 We go through cycles in life. Back at school, those cycles are very, very clear. Every year you are a rapidly different person than the year before. Less of a child and one step closer to the Grind. After school, those cycles are dictated by our obligations and finally our relationships or lack thereof. So, that accident was a landmark as it was coming close to the end of a cycle. It was a defining moment. After we make a step forward we tend to look back and scorn our former self. This is actually a privilege of old age and a sign of maturity. I adore the way Robert Plant makes fun of his past with Led Zeppelin for example. Where many see a Golden God, he sees a twenty something finding his feet in life. So, I've always loved that, the ability to lay back and take the piss out of your past. But that doesn't mean you're not respectful. Going back to Plant, he is mighty proud of his past with Zeppelin. He's just not stuck living in the past. That cycle has long closed.
  So, here we are, ten years gone (yes, that's pun intended. All good puns are.). Do I hate or do I love the little bugger? I think I got it right with the last one. I just remember him. Enough of him lives in me to hate him and enough of him has died in me to love him. Or vice versa. I don't know how I feel actually. I just wish I could send a letter back in time. I'd tell him all the wonderful things I've done and all the wonderful things I haven't done - and I should have. And I'd like to ask him then if he'd be proud of his future. I know at least he's glad I didn't forget him. As it is, I can't go back. I can only save this letter and pass it on to myself in 2023. Hopefully, he won't be old enough to forget me...!

Ps: I would also tell me to not be afraid. Our sister is alright. Faith wins over eveything.  It was a good future after all.